everyday i ask for love not realizing,
i had it.
I was looking for perfection from the definitions of the television
Not knowing all along you were just showing me thug loving.
Stupid me, how could i not see the perfection in our kiss and the way our fingers laced when you were....in it.
I screamed and yelled and each time you just listened
I mistook your silence as just pure ignorance but baby now i see your just not into vocalizing.
All i wanted was to see that you would always be here for me,
Now you're away for three years and all i can think about is the past
Think about all the good times we had that i now realize have always outweighed the bad.
People used to tell me "Keyah give up he aint worth your time." But they never knew what we had.
You were my everything without the glitz and glamor,
You showed me love in raw form without needing the help of diamonds and flowers.
So now im saying i put my heart in your hands,
Here i will stand.
I will love you forever babe
Until the end of our days.

bottled emotions part 1

It’s been a long time coming, but I think it is time to let it all out. I was on the train today when I looked at the stop it said “Borough Hall” so much went thru my mind and instantly I broke down in tears. I can never be able to forget how hard I fell when things went so wrong between us. I swear I hit rock bottom and all of this was because I gave my all to u and the feeling wasn’t mutual. I do not think I will ever be able to trust you again. I was so blinded by “love” that I was probably being taken from a fool all along. You may think that I didn’t know anything, that u had me under a serious lock that I believed everything you told me. Truth is, I didn’t believe you very much in a lot that you said. Its true what they say “a women’s intuition is never wrong”. From the pictures u sent, to going to see her over break and fucking her, how could you expect me to believe anything or even trust you. Yes, I wasn’t the perfect person in our relationship, I too have dirt, but nothing can compare what you did to me. You began to take it for granted that I was always going to be there, truth is, I really want to be, but I will not allow myself to be hurt in the process. Things got weird, u became distant, and I knew wat that all meant, you wanted to be free, you didn’t want to be bothered by me n e more. You should have just let me go nd stop holding on. This isn’t only your fault, it is mine too I knew something was wrong but I ignored the facts and I kept fighting thru all the hurt and frustration. I loved you, I truly and genuinely loved you with all my heart, I loved you more than I loved myself. THAT WAS MY BiGGEST MiSTAKE.. You came before me, everything was you than me, you needed something I came to the rescue forgetting the most important person in my life. You think that I may not know about everything that is going on now but I know everything. It’s a shame how u keep leading all these ppl on. You keep holding on to people when you kno that you are unhappy. It makes me think DAMN I bet you were doing the same things when you were with me. I can tell you were so UNHAPPY. I wouldn’t put it passed you at all. The word love is just a game to you. You cant LOVE someone truly until u FULLY LOVE YOURSELF. How dare you do that to people that you “LOVE”. When it all comes down to the truth, YOU USED ME. I loved you so much that I wanted to remain friends, but when I tried I failed, things were to hard, I was still angry, how culd u expect me not to be. Of course you didn’t feel any kind of way, YOU left ME, YOU did ME dirty, YOU told me you didn’t want to be in a relationship when YOU got in one soon after.

I have never been able to fully get over how strongly I felt about you. It gets harder and harder everyday. The day I saw you crying over something SHE did, was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. I couldn’t stand to see the one that I love being disrespected and hurting. To see that you went back nd worked everything out made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that you could allow yourself to go thru all of that . Yes, it is good to forgive everyone for the wrong they do to you. But things just are never gonna be the same. You will never forget how one mad you feel. That shyt cut me like a knife, cuz I felt so lied to and betrayed. You kept telling me how unhappy you were with HER than showed something else. I mean I know how it feels to be in love with someone and you would do anything to work things out. How could I ever trust you again? And this is why I had to let you go. We have no future in a relationship; we have no future as friends. As much as it hurts to let go, its something that needs to be done. I did it for the both of us. I do not want to be a burden in your life and I do not want you to remain hurting me. Although it is not intentional, just speaking to you hurt me. I know when the date August 20^th comes; I’m going to be a wreck. I haven’t been able to move on fully because you were always around. Now that it’s over and done with, and all communication is lost, I can say that I’m ready to live my life to the fullest and love me for me. I will not worry about my love life, I had a good one but being stuck on you, I LOST OUT on something good.

I wish that you would just grow up and realize the things that you do instead of leaving this trail of broken hearts behind you. I can honestly say that I have no words for you anymore, after hearing things that are going on, you disgust me. I will never wish bad things upon you. I wish you would change for the better someday and fully grow up and find someone that is willing to appreciate you for all that you are. Since that person couldn’t be me, I hope that she’ll be everything u always wanted and so much more. So when it all comes down to how I feel about you now: U Let Me Go REMEMBER...Now Keep Letting Go cause the Old Me is Dead and Gone and The New Me Isn't Looking Back

…to be continued

confessions of a broken heart

It seems like just yesterday we were layin in each other arms, our souls combined as one, a simple kiss “I love you baby, Goodnight”. Everything was so magical, nothing could compare, we were so in love, or so I thought. I was in love, truly and deeply. Was willing and open to give you everything. I did that one purpose, but I guess I was too open. My Love for you was something out of the ordinary; thought the feeling was mutual until you showed me different. You showed me that I wasn’t good enough. One day you were laying in my bed and than the next you just up and left. Things happened so quickly, it scared me. I knew what was going on the second you said “ I’m bringing my things back to my room”. I was scared so much because I knew just what this meant. I wasn’t ready to let you go, I didn’t want you to give what we had to someone else. I kept hearing things about who you were talking to, I tried so hard not to believe it. Until I saw it with my own eyes. I remember how it felt, it hurt like hell, I felt like you stabbed me in the heart., disrespected, kicked to the curb. The only thing you had to say was “I’m just seeing how things go”. So you left me for something your just taking a chance on? Wow that was crazy, I couldn’t even believe you even said that. For a while I thought I never would be able to make it through this heartache. After I changed my lifestyle, gave you my all, was the best that I could be, gave you so much, would have done anything for you, this was how you treated me. ME! The one who was always there for you, the one who put you above me. The one who you could call on for anything. Shit was too crazy, I couldn’t believe what was happening. Drink after drink, tears on top of tears. As the days went on it hurt even more, I couldn’t take t anymore. The only thing that made it all go away was spending time with my friends and drinking. Even after some time passed, I still couldn’t think of anything but you and how you shitted on me. I kept telling myself that I deserved better, and I know that I do, but we cannot help who our heart falls for. It’s a shame that the person, who stole my heart, has hurt me this way. You told me you didn’t want to be in a relationship, than suddenly you started one with someone else. I would have preferred you to just tell me the truth and tell me that you didn’t want to be with me at all. That would have helped me move on faster. Time went on, and you became a ghost, didn’t know anything about you, tried to avoid you, would run away never wanting to see you. I hated the thought of u not being in my life, but I knew if u were in it I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be miserable.

Soon enuff you kept hittin me up, pushing for a “friendship”. I didn’t know what to do all I wanted to say was Fuck U, I Hate U….my mama taught me better than to be bitter, So I got over it and tried to forgive u for the hurt u installed upon me. Although I forgave u, I will never forget how you have hurt me, I will never be able to fully trust you, I will never be able to look at you and say I feel nothing for yu. Im not going to lie, I sometimes wanna cry because I kno that deep down inside, despite everything else I am still in love with you. Things will never be the same, and this I know for sure, I will no longer walk around with my head hanging down, I will hold it up with pride, I will show the world wat it has been missing, I will be superwoman and I will overcome everything that is put in my way.

Dear Mr. Bullshitter,

I am going to try to communicate to you in your own words. Something that you can understand. I love you may get you laid with some chicks but over use it aand the panties stop dropping and the finger becomes a more valid answer. See we had our run of 3 and a half years of back and forth you fuck around with ya "Boos, bitches, and hoes" and me telling you ill work things out but still talking to other people because even though part of me had hope you would change, the other half knows you never will.

The craziest thing is this time you put up a good front, nah scratch that a great front. I almost fell for the "i love you" text's you sent every night and the "i need you, i miss you, i wanna make things work" follow up's. Lucky for me though i have blasted out of that naive stage you once had me in and everything you say has to be validated through a lie detector with me now. I dont blame you though. I dont blame you for anything. It was my fault i got involved, my fault i let my guard down, and my fault i fell in love with someone i knew from the beginning would hurt me. Guess you can say at the time i was okay playing the fool but not anymore and i can guarantee you that your words mean nothing any longer being as your actions dont follow up.


So for the last time good bye Mr. Smooth talking, Heartbreaking, polygamist, Street hugging lover of mine. I am no longer a pawn or fool in your game of chest.

Farewell..
Signed.
8-17-07

a lil poem i wrote in crw205

Sweet and Sour Love

Passion, Romance and Smiles,

Fights, Arguments and Lies.

Something I want so much

Shouldn’t hurt this bad

This love that we have is so bittersweet

One moment it’s sweet,

And the next it goes sour.

When its good-

It’s great

When we fall-

We hit rock bottom

I never used to be that girl

Never sat at home wondering why

Now all I do is sit and cry

You cut me open-

Ripped out my heart

Chewed it up like it was gum

And spit it out on the curb

As you stepped on it

YOU SELFISH BITCH!

ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS YOURSELF

What about me?

Did you ever love me?

NO!

HOW COULD I HAVE EVER TRUSTED YOU?

You lost my trust the day you deceived me

You did me dirty

Now nothing can ever be the same

HOW COULD I HAVE EVER TRUSTED YOU?

You played with me like I was a toy

And threw me under the bed when you got tired

You used and abused me

Mistaken my kindness for weakness

We argued so much,

So many endless fights

“FUCK YOU!”

“I HATE YOU!”

You walked out

My eyes began to water

Than the tears began to flow

Frustrated and thinking

Go to sleep, it will all be better in the morning

Than two hours later

“But I just want you here, I can’t sleep without you”

A knock on the door

An angry face

“Come lay down next to me”

A kiss goodnight to end the fight

But…

Our days weren’t always bad

had me feeling high off life

high off our love

from the sweet kisses

to the little things you would do just because

many endless nights-

just you and I

spending hours together

and yet still missed each other

Your kisses made my knees weak

Made my heart skip a beat

From the sweet “I love you, goodnights”

To the “good morning” texts

Going to bed together

And waking up in your arms

You were mine and nothing came in between that

What happened to this love?

You took a pencil and erased the happy ending

When you needed me I would come running

Our love is insane

We keep moving in circles

Breaking up to making up

I’m tired of the circles

They are making me dizzy

This is it

NO MORE CIRCLES

THIS IS MY FINAL GOODBYE

Right Through Me

Your eyes pierced through my soul
Brreaking into my mold
I'm scared to death by your grip
Though its lovingly, a gift
I've never felt a love like this
I'm used to hollowness and something that doesn't exist
You took my hand and erased everything
Now my her it sings
You see right through me
I just don't understand it
First I love it
Then I hate it
This feeling so confusing
I can't understand it
I need you to explain it
What kind of magic is this
I'm scared
You see right through me
Why do you do this to me
How can you do this to me
Don't know why you hold me
I'm just losing it
Feels like I don't exist
Feels like I'm a book from your shelf
You opened me up
Left me uncovered
I'm scared nude before your touch
I say you see right through me
Its so pinful it hurts
I'm used to the locks on the door
Used to beeing alone on my floor
But babe you see right through me
Damn
How do you do that shit

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Today is my Birthday. I love my next breath.
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