Dying Wish

Dying Wish

Dear Journal,
I wonder where i would be in the next 10 years. Dad's been kind of pressuring me about college since i'm in my last year of high school but i don't know if i want to go. I've thought about it but i don't think i want to go. I'd rather be an actress or model or something of that nature. I just basically don'y want to go......

As i read my journal i realize now what a fool i was always thinkin about what my Daddy would say. What Daddy would think about this or that? But you know what fu^k him. He don't give 2 shi%s about me any damn way. Fuk his dumb a55...
I said to myself i laid next to the new John Doe. The reason i call him John Doe is because he aint gonna last 2 weeks. They never do! I don't blame them either i got two no name or face kids i gave up when they were born i dont really know where they are right now but any ways back to these ni**a's. They get they little nut, hit me off w/ some cash, and be gone the next day. It aint like i need them for anything besides the money anyways.
"A yo get up my dude it's time to go!" i said ripping the covers off his exposed body. only he made no sound or movement. Nigg^ must think this is a damn hotel.

"Yo stop playin son i gotta get to work!" As i rolled him over hi eyes stared back at me with a piercing darkness. I didn't know what to do so i just got up and ran until i couldn't run no more. Seeing that there was no where else to run i ran to my moms house and yelled her name. As i walked into the house i caught a glimpse of my mother falling to the floor as she yelled to the lord asking why. I tried calling her name but nothing happened. It was as if i were a mute She just continued screaming hysterically. It lasted on for a couple weeks till she got all dressed in black on her way to churh, She still hadn't spoken to me i guess she was still sad about
her phone call. I went with her today dressed up in my beautiful black dress and black stilettos. When we got to church i saw the John Doe who i left in my bed with the piercing black eye'sonly today they were'nt black they were red and full of pain. Maybe that's why nobody came lookin for me at momma's. Well anyways as i watched him sitting there i noticed two little girls who sat on each side of him that looked just me. I was glad i wore black cause it seemed to be a funeral was takin place today. As soon as my mother neared the front she fell to the ground.I was gonna try to help her up but but the man with the two little girls ranto her aid and held her as he whispered something into her ear and they held eachother as their tears flew freely. I walked to the front of the church to the caskest and couldn't believe my eye's. It was..It was....Me..

How do you know when you're in love?

When i first met him i can say i fell in love. The way he smiled at me when we talked. The way he held me close when i fought so hard to stay away. I swore he wasn't shit all he wanted to do was hit it and quit it. I mean what guy doesn't right. As the saying goes men are all dogs right. From day one i was so terrified that he would just walk away the moment i let him in. I met guy after guy trying to keep him off my mind. I spent months away from him trying to forget the afternoons we shared entertwined in each others arms but no one could ever give me that feeling he always did. For a whole year i shouted fuck love from the roof tops and gave everyone the finger who even mention the word love. My motto was "Act like a nikka or get played like a bitch." I cant deny what had already started to grow in my heart. When he called i ran, He needed me i was there, hard day at work i was the one who was there to massage his body and care for him like no other woman could. It never seemed to matter how far or how long we would go without speaking or seeing each other when we we're together it was like our first time being together. I remember one day he just looked at me and i started smiling uncontrollably. He would ask me why i was always smiling but i could never seem to come up with an answer. I want to hate this boy so much for just about anything and everything he wasn't. I made up many of excuses like nope i cant date him he got madddd girls after him and i am not no damn dick chaser. Or no i would never be with him he a liar. Yet i cant actually remember a time where he actually lied or disrespected me in any way. Now here we are two years later sending each other text messages every chance we get 5 hours apart and whenever i'm home i always find myyself running into his arms. More and more i find myself falling deeper into a hole and at times it always feels like i'm drowning but right before i pass out, here he comes to save me. Over the past few weeks i found myself falling deeper and deeper into what some wouldcall love but to me it feels like im falling with something hard on my chest and it becomes hard to breathe. One thing is for sure though i will always run back to him, there is no way i could go on my way without him because hes always on my mind, in the lyrics to every love song blasting throuhg my speakers, and just like the first day he's been in my heart and thats something that will never change.
So to answer my own question, you know you are in love when there is not one moment when your thoughts dont consist of him. When you listen to guys try to win you over and all you can think about is their nothing like him. Like when your sitting by yourself and everyone is talking about how their in love you smile and the first one who comes to mind is him. That boy that you once wanted to hate so much but the love was just too strong to deny what, in the end, was meant to be.


Trina said it best when she said " You and me, We can make it last"
I just know that no matter where i am in my life i will always love him with all my heart forever and always. From my heart to my soul. From hate to his arms it's a place i always feel i belong no matter how far we are apart. = /